She says she is ok, but her eyes tell a different story.

"If you have a particular faith or religion that is great but you can survive without it "
Dalai Lama

Things are weird. Everything feels off balance and haunt my mind.

I will never hear my moms voice again.
I will never hold her or have her hold me.
I will never...
Call her when a great movie is on.
Sing to her when she is sad.
Write another poem that she will read.
Go shopping with her.
Celebrate Christmas with her.
Tell her I love her.
Hear that she is proud of me or disappointed in me.
Be able to go to hear for advice
Hear her motherly wisdom
See her kiss my dad goodnight(always twice...not sure what that is about!)
Feel her kiss me goodnight
Never see her laugh again
Never enjoy watching her with my babies

I could go on and on. I have been avoiding certain things because they are just too hard. Like scrapbooking (Which I do every winter) or listening to the radio....things that are normal for me I just can not do. Will they ever be normal again? I know that each person has a different relationship with their parents. Mine were everything to me. So losing the core of the three muskateers has been beyond a nightmare. She had been sick such a long time that you would think I would have been ready. Perhaps some parts of me where but my soul... my heart... could not have been more unprepared. Imagine hearing someones voice every single day for 33 years and then suddenly.... silence. The silence is deafening.  I hate it more then I can even say.

There is a huge lesson that I have learned through all of this.  If you have "core" friends... not those friends who are only there when they need you, only call when they have something to share... aren't the friends to have.  Truth be told if you get a few "core" friends you are very lucky.  They are the ones that see you with the ugly cry, in a swimsuit, sweating your ass off.  They see you drunk, sick, happy and elated. They are faced with a terrible moment... like a loved one dying and instead of sending a card... they surround you with love and support.  They love you when you are even at your most vulnerable. They see through your bullshit to know that you aren't ok.   They are there when your kids are crazy, there is no money in your pocket and your husband is being a dick.  I love that "core" group.. you know who you are and you mean the entire universe to me.

Yawn

Quote of the day: “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.”

I think I am getting sick. How could I not be after 6 weeks of pure hell and rollercoasters. Not sleeping is not helping either but I just keep pushing through. Little projects that I have been putting off are getting done. Anything to keep my mind occupied. I am busy but am still trying to find things to do. It is my first day home...not leaving in at least a month and a half. I was looking forward to today...relaxing, getting a few things done. Yet, the day is here and I am dying in the stillness. Usually at times like this I rearrange furniture and crap but Petey made me buy a sectional that is huge so I can't move it by myself. Guess it will have to stay were it is. So instead I think I will spend the day purging things that I don't need. Thank you Chris for that! You have taught me well.

So I suppose I should have some tea and take some cold medicine. Perhaps something to help me stop going to the bathroom too. Hey, it is my blog... I can write about poop if I wanna!

Sleep?

I slept terrible last night. Again. I don't sleep much these days at all and each time I lay down there are just somethings that haunt me.
Someone at the funeral said
"Anyone who said things get easier is full of shit. You just get used to a new normal."
Makes sense to me. Makes more sense to me then the people who say it will get easier with time. There is no way this will get any easier.

My house is swallowing me whole. I have to clean it today but have a million other things to do first. First on the agenda is moving some of these damn plants around. Still looks and smells like a florist in here and I hate it. Walk by a plant and remember, smell the roses and remember... breathe.... and remember.

What a f'ing debbie downer I am!

Anyhow... getting together with friends for New Years... I need it and looking forward to it. Then the kids go back to school and I am thrown back into whatever normal will be.

And so it goes..

If I counted how many times that I have started and stopped a blog I would sound like count dracula. Yet, this time is different. Writing has always been theraputic for me. Something that helped me through the good and bad times. This time... doesn't even compare to the million of other things that have happened in my life.
My mother.... I miss her to the point that even my skin hurts.
I never thought that at 33 I would have to face losing her.

So, this is my journey. If you want to read it... great...comment... great...or pass it by... that is ok too.
Regardless, I must write here to simply get through and have something to get up for these days. I urge you to start a blog too. It is free and helps the heart.

So.. I just need to do it.
Just do it.
Someone is out there walking around with that on a shirt. I wish I would have thought of it.
What a rich bitch I would be.