"If you have a particular faith or religion that is great but you can survive without it "
Dalai Lama
Things are weird. Everything feels off balance and haunt my mind.
I will never hear my moms voice again.
I will never hold her or have her hold me.
I will never...
Call her when a great movie is on.
Sing to her when she is sad.
Write another poem that she will read.
Go shopping with her.
Celebrate Christmas with her.
Tell her I love her.
Hear that she is proud of me or disappointed in me.
Be able to go to hear for advice
Hear her motherly wisdom
See her kiss my dad goodnight(always twice...not sure what that is about!)
Feel her kiss me goodnight
Never see her laugh again
Never enjoy watching her with my babies
I could go on and on. I have been avoiding certain things because they are just too hard. Like scrapbooking (Which I do every winter) or listening to the radio....things that are normal for me I just can not do. Will they ever be normal again? I know that each person has a different relationship with their parents. Mine were everything to me. So losing the core of the three muskateers has been beyond a nightmare. She had been sick such a long time that you would think I would have been ready. Perhaps some parts of me where but my soul... my heart... could not have been more unprepared. Imagine hearing someones voice every single day for 33 years and then suddenly.... silence. The silence is deafening. I hate it more then I can even say.
There is a huge lesson that I have learned through all of this. If you have "core" friends... not those friends who are only there when they need you, only call when they have something to share... aren't the friends to have. Truth be told if you get a few "core" friends you are very lucky. They are the ones that see you with the ugly cry, in a swimsuit, sweating your ass off. They see you drunk, sick, happy and elated. They are faced with a terrible moment... like a loved one dying and instead of sending a card... they surround you with love and support. They love you when you are even at your most vulnerable. They see through your bullshit to know that you aren't ok. They are there when your kids are crazy, there is no money in your pocket and your husband is being a dick. I love that "core" group.. you know who you are and you mean the entire universe to me.
4 comments:
I can't imagine what you are going through! I love you and am here for you. You know that! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Even though you made me cry with this one, I am enjoying the peek into your heart. Love ya!!
My heart breaks for you and your family. Every day I send you energy filled with love, healing, and hope. I love you so very much, and Dreas asked me to convey his sympathy and love to you. I'm here for you whenever, however you need Me.
even tho i went thru sorta a deal u did, the voice that suddenly stops that is taken for granted is a emotional distress. You try to sit in a quiet area, maybe surrounded by their items, pictures, maybe favorite music or scents they wore, just to hear a faint sound of their voice... Knowing that they might be around,or be able to catch one more glimpse of what has been lost.
When my grandfather died years ago, i would always try to remember his voice every night in bed after receiving the news he passed. I figured repetitious thoughts will always allow me to remember but they faded. I was sad. The photographs sometimes sparks "sounds" in my memory today. Not enough to have a conversation.
I found when i wasn't looking, I found it. When i wasn't down and out, the things i was so desperately looking for and trying to recollect, it came to me either thru a dream or a song that happen to play on the radio as i walked in a room. Sometimes turning on the radio or simply asking the source " to randomly play a song for me", it works and that's how i grieved. As years wore on, repetitious patterns began to dissipate, and i noticed more things happening. Letting my guard down, taking a break from reality/ problem my sadness wasn't blocking the important things i needed to let in. With reality coming in, so did the "signs". Thats when smiles and tears happened. SO the more I tried to remember, the more i was ignoring the signs that were being sent telling me "it's OK", I can live another day.
ALWAYS REMEMBER:
even tho i have not lost a parent yet, but can(almost) put myself in the shoes of someone who has..(please don't judge).. When you go to look in the mirror next time, look at yourself. Study yourself, look at your profile, always remember you are made of two people, Your Parents. I always had this planned, still today...if i need them instead of calling, or if we are in a fight and not talking, i look in the mirror and see both of them put together to create ME.
Anyone can say how you favor one then the other, but, YOU are the judge. You know how they look and what traits you have received. So the saying goes...If you need your parent, or forgotten, look in the mirror, they are right there. You are half of them living on.
I never believed this,
"TIME HEALS ALL PAIN"
its true and its a lie. The pain may subside but the memories will always linger.
ONE day, all of this "new normal" that is over taking your life now, will be a faze. A faze you have adjusted your life around and looking back, you will see the things you have learned and accomplished you never thought was possible. Starting a LUPUS benefit in your mothers name, the gathering of people to support you for this....its already working. The new faze is working. Just getting over the "HURDLE" of pain is your main priority.
So doing things in your mother's name is a good start. She is working thru you to help bring everyone together for a event to help YOU, and anyone suffering with LUPUS. Just please have yourself tested, for YOUR CHILDREN'S sake, so they don't have to go thru what you are.
We all have to pass on, but make it longer than 33 years being in your child's life.
I am hoping I have 20+ more years of my parents in my life. So when they pass, 20+ years from now (which i hope its longer) the memories will be strong when I'm older.
I hate looking at elderly folks (or young folks) who had someone in their life for 55 years and has been dead 21 years. Thats too big of a space. Too big of a space to be lonely and left behind. I would like mine to be less.
LIFE....... so many meanings, yet so much to learn. We never stop learning.
Post a Comment