Fall Fall

The weather has just started to change here.  I love the fall and the winter.  Yet, I am not looking forward to the upcoming months.  Too much in my head, too many memories.  I will work through.  You have to just keep moving.  Moving forward and putting one foot in front of the other.  That is all any of us can do.  Some days I work through and yet others I just hardly skim by and hang on by my fingernails. 

I always mean to update my blog and yet I don't.  I am not entirely sure why but I know that I should do better on it.  Procrastination at its best I do suppose!

It feels so strange to not have E at home with me during the day.  Both kids seem to really like school but are glad to be home at the end of the day.  Should make me feel good I suppose!  It does get sort of lonely around here or maybe I am just lonely to start with.  Either way... life is very different.

Are you F^#$ing kidding me?

I haven't updated since June?!?!
Are you kidding?  Wow, I have a lot to say and I have tons to write. 
I will make a quick post just to let you all know I am alive and will write more in the afternoon tomorrow.  Be on the look out!

While you all await that wonderful blog that is coming (not) I will tell you 10 things that I am passionate about.

1. Writing.  I write in my hand written journal daily but clearly have been slacking on this one.  I will do better!  I think I can, I think I can!

2. Friends.  I have learned over time that you can not pick your family but you can pick your friends.  You also can make your own family and I love them very much.

3.  Lupus awareness.  It is a silent killer and needs more attention.

4.  Gay rights.  Who are you to say who can love and can't.  Love is love.  People that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

5. Learning peoples life stories.  We all have one to tell and should tell it.

6.  My children.  There is nothing more important in my life then being a mom.  We grow up with an idea of how we want our life to go.  Careers, money, houses, etc.  When you have kids it goes up in smoke and it should be that way!

7.  Cooking.  I love to cook.  It is my way to show the ones around me that I love them.  Clearly I love to eat too!

Ok... so that is 7.  That is all I got right now.  Will write tomorrow!

Quote of the day : It's not who you are that holds you back but who you think you're not!

Another week?

So the quote I posted last week that Bob Marley spoke is something I would like to get a tattoo of.  I love it and it plays in my head over and over again.
Just wanted to write quickly and throw a few things into the atmosphere before I head out for Beans 5th grade awards program.  I can't believe the year is over!  Here is a quote to ponder until I get back....

"I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962)

Back that ass up Wednesday

So I have come to find that no matter what schedule I want to "put" myself in I am too busy living my life to write about my life!  I vow to not be so hard on myself if we have to do Back that ass up posts more often!

S and I went ghost hunting last week and had a blast!  We braved out the morning despite hearing moaning and doing the correct..."was it the wind, was it this or that?".  It was none of the above and wasn't debunked.  It was clearly moaning.  I have yet to take pictures which really pisses me off so maybe next time I will remember it! 

Friday was fairly uneventful.  We went out to dinner and I was just jumping for joy that I didn't have to cook.  Anyday when you mark that off the to do list without really doing it, it a good day for me!  I love to cook but I hate hate hate to clean up!  I think there should be a button on the kitchen that does it for you.  Sort of like the Jetsons!

Saturday we went to the G's house and had a blast as always.  We always have fun with them. J started the tattoo on my right foot and it is looking good.  Now, we just need to finish both!   I had way, way to much to drink and thought I would pay for it the next day but woke up ok.  A slight headache that some water and a pill cured right away. 

Sunday we didn't do much.  It was a lay around day after E's preschool graduation and out to eat with the F's family!  The kids did a great job and it made me so sad to see him continue to grow!  I love Sundays.  Growing up our Sundays were always that way.  There is so much I remember about Sundays in particular.  Mom and Dad would work outside and I would stay in and clean the house, start dinner and finish the things inside that needed done.  I loved doing it.  Not to mention I never minded doing the dishes because the window air unit was in the kitchen window!  I was hot even then!  I also remember laying on the living room floor smelling roast cooking in the oven and feeling the breeze of the front door open while watching the cubs.  It is funny to me how almost ever Sunday brings me back to home.

Monday, E started his last week of school.  School is almost out for the summer?!?!?!  What?!?!  How on earth  am I going to survive the summer?!?!  To be quite honest I am really looking forward to having the kids home and having a more laid back attitude! I say that now but by the time July rolls around I will be kicking myself!

Monday was also a day that my moms headstone came in and it is beautiful.  Really, really beautiful and it makes me so sad.  I still find everything so strange and new.  The pain never ending and my thoughts always racing.  Everything just feels so different.  She was the one person I turned to for everything and it is odd not to have her voice in my ear. I hate it and find it difficult to really believe that she is gone.

Yesterday (Tuesday) and today (Wednesday) are much in the same.  Storms are rolling through, house needs cleaned, dinner made, baths, etc, etc.  I know that I should feel lucky that we have a roof, food and love and I do!  The thing I am not lucky with is these damn mosquitos.  We are outside people and we can't even do that without being ate alive.  E tends to be allergic to them and once he is bit they become huge hot, red welts.  It isn't worth the hours spent outside for the night miserable.

As I was laying in bed last night I was reflecting on the people in my life.  Some are always there for me and I am there for them.  Some act like they care about you and turn their back on you the second they get what they want or need from you and some call you a friend but aren't there for you at all.  When these things hop into my mind I am always reminded of a quote that I love and is so true.  I will end this post with that....

Thankful Thursday

Procrastinate much?

I vow to get back on track. 
With that said, every Thursday will be 10 things that I am thankful for.
Starting today.

1. Hot coffee with cream and sugar. More then 1 cup of course!
2. The smell of BBQ ribs cooking since 5am in the crock pot.
3. Antibiotics. Bean has been sick for two days but is getting better.
4. Off.  You can't leave home without it or the mosquitos carry you away!
5. Gain fabric softner!
6. Soft pajamas that I don't plan to get out of today.
7. Laughing children
8. Glasses because my allergies won't allow me to put my contacts in.
9. Bleach.  I love the smell of it when I clean
10.  This blog.  An outlet for my thoughts.

It will be...

If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin’ it’ll be alright
It will be me

If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me

If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me

Oh how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Past the ever after there’s a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I’ll be there for you

In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me

There is no mountain that I can’t climb
For you I’d swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me

Broken

Music has always played a huge part in my life.  Now perhaps more then ever so it isn't odd when I heard this song tonight that my entire being felt like it hit a brick wall.
The lyrics are here....the video is posted after.

Take a breath, I close my eyes

I am lost but try to find

What it is, in this life

That gives me strength enough to fight for something more

Well God knows my feet are aching

And I’ve got mountains ahead to climb…

One way at a time,

I will try to lend these broken hands of mine

Give me strength, be my light,

One way at a time

These walls will fall and fill our empty souls

Give me strength, help me guide

These broken hands of mine

The sky is grey it clouds your world

Clear the air child, break the mold

Find a place, in your heart

To build a shelter from this cold and winding road

Well God knows you’re barely standing

But you’ve got to carry this heavy load…

One way at a time

I will try to lend these broken hands of mine

Give me strength, be my light

One way at a time, the peace will grow

And fill our empty souls

Give me strength, help me guide

These broken hands of mine

What if there’s more?

What if there’s more?

What if there’s more than this?

What if there’s more out there?

Yada Yada Me Me Me

Wow
It's been awhile.  I haven't blogged because I haven't wanted to.  I thought perhaps things would start to even out or once getting back to the normal daily grind things would get easier but that hasn't been the case.  Moving through the daily grind has proven to be the hardest.

I have learned a lot in the last 4 months.  I have learned a lot about people and their agendas.  I have learned not to show my heart to many.  Not that I really ever did before but I surely know it now!  I have been burnt and have been burnt badly and won't put my hand in the flame again.  It is sad that a major earthquake in your heart causes you to see things more clearly and clean up those rose colored glasses.  I am never quite sure of peoples agendas.  I really don't know them now and wish I could just poof them away.

Some days are better then others but there is no single day that doesn't have moments of pure sadness and missing.  I have a lot of living to do and am sad that my mom won't be part of that or get to see the things we talked, dreamed and laughed about.    I find it almost to be some type of foreign language to me.  As if I don't understand and I just smile and nod.  I move through life pretty much that way right now and may always move that way from now on.

I signed E up for Kindergarten last week and it about killed me.  He is growing so fast and is ready to move along.  H will be in Jr. High and is afraid of the change.  I am too.  I looked in the mirror the other morning and almost didn't recongized myself.  Not sure when my face changed, not sure when my kids started grow up, not sure when loss was a huge part of my life.

Getting older sucks ass.

Quote of the day--
"However long the night, the dawn will break.”

Landslide

I have not written in awhile. 
There really isn't a certain excuse I will use.
I wasn't too busy, although I always am. 
I wasn't too sick, although holy shit I am sick. 
Etc..Etc. 
It isn't one thing in particular that kept me from coming to write.  It was sort of a lot of things compiled into a mountain.

I seem to be irritated lately.  At people, at peoples actions, at their hearts.  There are very few people that really understand me.  Know that on the outside I am this strong, tough bear.  I can handle anything, you can say anything or do anything and it just rolls off and never bothers me.  The truth is... I am that momma bear that will do anything to protect herself and her family but I am not as tough as I make myself out to be.

I hurt just the way everyone else does.  Things bother me when they are said the same way they bother other people.    Just because I put a smile on or make you laugh or become the "class clown" to others in the room does not mean the inside of me is ok.  I very well could be drowning in my own sadness but....

Only the important people see that side of me. 

I am tough... you won't get two chances with me.   You screw me once....badly enough... there won't be a second chance if you don't try to make it better. 

On to another subject and off that soapbox.
I know that everyone has lost someone in their lives.  I know that almost everyone unless you are still wet behind the ears has lost someone that they love to illness or death.  But... not everyones pain is the same and we all feel very different things.  Why?  Because we have different types of relationships with people.  Losing a parent, a spouse, a child, a grandparent, a sibling... it is all a VERY different pain.  Even if I lost a parent and so did you.... our pain is different.  Period.  We handle death differently, we have different types of relationships and love.

No one will get my pain... they may get parts of it... but no one will get it totally and I don't expect them too. 
You CAN'T fix me.  I don't want you to fix me... I don't need you to fix me.  I just need you to see things from my window.

Which is pretty dark and frosted right now.

?

I haven't blogged in quite awhile. 
Things have been super duper busy around here.... Febuary always seems to be!

 E will be 5 on the 24th.  I have to be very honest here.. I am sort of not looking forward to it.  Not only because he is growing older but because my mom won't be there to celebrate.  It makes me really, really sad.  Things are just sad all around.  She has only been gone 2 months and it feels like an entire lifetime.  As if she has been gone years.  Then, other times it feels like just yesterday or as if she is just in the hospital again and we are waiting for her to come home.   Everything just still feels so surreal.  I walk around in a daze most days and as nighttime falls, the kids sleep, Pete goes to work and I am left here in this silence that is almost too loud for me to handle.  That was a time I would call my mom for the last time of the day and catch her up on anything that she missed.  There isn't a phone call made and I lay in bed and cry.  I don't believe that there has been a night since she passed away that I haven't cried myself to sleep.

I feel these days I am searching.  Searching for what comes next.  Searching for what happens to us when we die.  Searching for what will happen with the next chapter of my life.  I walk around lately will one huge question mark above my head.

I really miss the way things were.  They will never be that way again.
I listened to this song as I wrote this... usually not my type but I must admit it is pretty beautiful.

Off I go.....