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I haven't blogged in quite awhile. 
Things have been super duper busy around here.... Febuary always seems to be!

 E will be 5 on the 24th.  I have to be very honest here.. I am sort of not looking forward to it.  Not only because he is growing older but because my mom won't be there to celebrate.  It makes me really, really sad.  Things are just sad all around.  She has only been gone 2 months and it feels like an entire lifetime.  As if she has been gone years.  Then, other times it feels like just yesterday or as if she is just in the hospital again and we are waiting for her to come home.   Everything just still feels so surreal.  I walk around in a daze most days and as nighttime falls, the kids sleep, Pete goes to work and I am left here in this silence that is almost too loud for me to handle.  That was a time I would call my mom for the last time of the day and catch her up on anything that she missed.  There isn't a phone call made and I lay in bed and cry.  I don't believe that there has been a night since she passed away that I haven't cried myself to sleep.

I feel these days I am searching.  Searching for what comes next.  Searching for what happens to us when we die.  Searching for what will happen with the next chapter of my life.  I walk around lately will one huge question mark above my head.

I really miss the way things were.  They will never be that way again.
I listened to this song as I wrote this... usually not my type but I must admit it is pretty beautiful.

Off I go.....