It's been awhile. I haven't blogged because I haven't wanted to. I thought perhaps things would start to even out or once getting back to the normal daily grind things would get easier but that hasn't been the case. Moving through the daily grind has proven to be the hardest.
I have learned a lot in the last 4 months. I have learned a lot about people and their agendas. I have learned not to show my heart to many. Not that I really ever did before but I surely know it now! I have been burnt and have been burnt badly and won't put my hand in the flame again. It is sad that a major earthquake in your heart causes you to see things more clearly and clean up those rose colored glasses. I am never quite sure of peoples agendas. I really don't know them now and wish I could just poof them away.
Some days are better then others but there is no single day that doesn't have moments of pure sadness and missing. I have a lot of living to do and am sad that my mom won't be part of that or get to see the things we talked, dreamed and laughed about. I find it almost to be some type of foreign language to me. As if I don't understand and I just smile and nod. I move through life pretty much that way right now and may always move that way from now on.
I signed E up for Kindergarten last week and it about killed me. He is growing so fast and is ready to move along. H will be in Jr. High and is afraid of the change. I am too. I looked in the mirror the other morning and almost didn't recongized myself. Not sure when my face changed, not sure when my kids started grow up, not sure when loss was a huge part of my life.
Getting older sucks ass.
Quote of the day--
"However long the night, the dawn will break.”
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