Deep Breath

The last week or so has been very hard.  I miss my mom everyday but lately the wound feels very open and seeping.  I awoke today, thankful that both my kids went to school.  On and off for 3 weeks we have had a stomach bug that has kept us in bed and to the bathroom. (I will spare you the details)! It has not been pretty around here and as much as I wanted to get up with bells on and hit the ground running to get things done it just was not in the cards today.  Between just being glad that I had a breath to myself and being depressed I didn't accomplish anything.

As I sat in the quiet on the couch I glanced over and saw two birds in my bird feeder.  I had not seen a single bird there all winter long, despite my feeding them.  A cardinal and a beautiful male bluebird perched in my birdfeeder having a late lunch and I found my breath escape me.  My moms favorite bird is a bluebird.  She felt a special connection to them and here sat one in my birdfeeder looking through at me.  Tears fell and I sat on the dining room floor just holding my knees.  Was it her?  Was it her way of letting me know that I need to pick my chin up and solider on?  I want it to be.  I yearn for that. I cannot breathe.

E told me the other night as we lay in bed that he believes Grandma is still alive and enjoying heaven.  "Momma, I will build you a ladder high enough to visit Grandma anytime you want but you can't stay there.  We don't belong there yet."

5 years old and amazing.  Simply amazing.  Both of my kids, amazing.  Maybe I am doing something right afterall because these days I feel like I am simply treading water and breathing just because I have to. 

Somedays are good, others aren't.  This month, not a good one.

I feel tired and out of control.  I will get back in control.

Yeah...good luck with that.

Fin