So, before I get into serious things let me first post a few reminders to myself.
1. Do not let your 4 year old talk you into having a snack while he watches Nick Jr. in your bed no matter how cute or how big his brown eyes are. Also, do not let said snack be anything crumbly or flakey. Example--Cheese Crackers.
2. Do not let your 10 year old talk you into putting on fake nails because they are cool. Your whole idea of "let her have her own self expression" has rules to it. She will do nothing but bitch until you rip them off her.
3. The best thing to do with a sick husband is sweetly say "You should really just go lay down and sleep". Opt for that choice instead of "You are worse then the kids when they are sick". Word of advice to self... this will not go well.
4. Embrace the silence, you don't get it often.
Now onto bigger fish.....
Sunday night the kids talked me into having a pj party on the couch. We have an overstuffed sectional so all three of us fit on it and sleep well. I went ahead and gave in. As we were laying there E... who is having trouble with the whole "death" deal was in tears yet again and not sleeping. Bean wedges in between us and says .....
"Grandma promised me that she would be better by Christmas and you know what Mom? She is... even though she is in heaven she did keep her promise... she is better and not hurting anymore."
All I could say is..."Yep babygirl... you are correct. Grandma has never broken a promise." We could learn a lot from kids. If we were still able to, as adults look at the world that they do perhaps things would be easier.
E on the other hand is really having a hard time. We are up every night and fighting through moments of true, huge crocodile tears. Death scares him. He cries when Bean gets on the bus because she may not come back. He cries when I put him to bed because he may not wake up... the list goes on and on. All I can do is explain to him about death and heaven and God (even though I have my own thoughts on that). Try to explain the difference between a cold and true illness. He gets it and things are slowly getting better but things are far from good.
Some days I just find it hard to put my feet on the floor and move forward. Even though I know that my mom would not want me to lay in bed and wallow it still makes it very hard to move on with my life and the rest of my story. I feel as if a huge piece of me is missing and I am searching now for who I am. (More on this journey and why later).
So all I can do is buckle down and buck up buttercup. Life moves on and grief will always be there. I suppose it is how we handle it that matters....and I am not handling it well.
1. Do not let your 4 year old talk you into having a snack while he watches Nick Jr. in your bed no matter how cute or how big his brown eyes are. Also, do not let said snack be anything crumbly or flakey. Example--Cheese Crackers.
2. Do not let your 10 year old talk you into putting on fake nails because they are cool. Your whole idea of "let her have her own self expression" has rules to it. She will do nothing but bitch until you rip them off her.
3. The best thing to do with a sick husband is sweetly say "You should really just go lay down and sleep". Opt for that choice instead of "You are worse then the kids when they are sick". Word of advice to self... this will not go well.
4. Embrace the silence, you don't get it often.
Now onto bigger fish.....
Sunday night the kids talked me into having a pj party on the couch. We have an overstuffed sectional so all three of us fit on it and sleep well. I went ahead and gave in. As we were laying there E... who is having trouble with the whole "death" deal was in tears yet again and not sleeping. Bean wedges in between us and says .....
"Grandma promised me that she would be better by Christmas and you know what Mom? She is... even though she is in heaven she did keep her promise... she is better and not hurting anymore."
All I could say is..."Yep babygirl... you are correct. Grandma has never broken a promise." We could learn a lot from kids. If we were still able to, as adults look at the world that they do perhaps things would be easier.
E on the other hand is really having a hard time. We are up every night and fighting through moments of true, huge crocodile tears. Death scares him. He cries when Bean gets on the bus because she may not come back. He cries when I put him to bed because he may not wake up... the list goes on and on. All I can do is explain to him about death and heaven and God (even though I have my own thoughts on that). Try to explain the difference between a cold and true illness. He gets it and things are slowly getting better but things are far from good.
Some days I just find it hard to put my feet on the floor and move forward. Even though I know that my mom would not want me to lay in bed and wallow it still makes it very hard to move on with my life and the rest of my story. I feel as if a huge piece of me is missing and I am searching now for who I am. (More on this journey and why later).
So all I can do is buckle down and buck up buttercup. Life moves on and grief will always be there. I suppose it is how we handle it that matters....and I am not handling it well.
5 comments:
Poor E. My heart just goes out to all of you as you struggle through this difficult time. The only piece of advice that I have to offer is to allow yourself to go through the grieving process, whether that be a short period, or a longer period.
Give yourself time to grieve, allow your kids to see you grieve (if you haven't already). Kids need to know when a parent is hurting... they pick up on it and it makes them hurt because they cannot "fix" Mommy, or Daddy. I see this happen a lot in the kindergarten I work in.
Please don't take this to mean that I think you are not sharing your grief with your children. I just want to remind you that it is okay to do so.
Dreas and I, plus my Mom, G-ma and Aunt are sending you light and love.
I love you.
I think that you know me well enough to know that I am open and honest with them on everything. Even my grief. They see it, we speak of it and we go over it and fight through it daily. His problem is that he is 4 and doesn't understand death the way that we do. It is the first time that he has had to deal with it... minus brownie passing away... which he dealt exactly the same way. It gets better daily but it is talked about openly.
Love you back and send my love to the family!
I know you well enough to know that you're speaking of this with the kids. My heart just bleeds for all of you. My family is sending tremendous amounts of prayers, and energy full of love.
I wish that I could be there to help you there to help you through this. In the meantime I will keep on sending you love, light and healing energy.
If I could do just one thing for you and family, it would be to help you find your way to the light, and out of the grief.
I love you.
i am by far as good with words as you are but let me just say this. your strigth and words are amazing. i am here for you and will be a shoulder for you to cry on no matter the time day or night. i just hope when my time comes to be strong for my kids that i can find the words to comfort them as you do. you are the most amazing mom, friend and sister i could have ever asked for and i am thankful everyday to have been a part of your family's life. i love you very much. <3
with lots of love,
kari
Miss Kari,
You have always been a true and loyal friend to me. Your words about me go straight to my heart and I feel lucky to have you in my life. You and I have been through alot and you have always stuck by me the way that I will always stick by you.
I love you so much that words can not even say
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