1,440

1,440 minutes in one day.  I am trying to fill each one of them.
 
Why?

Because if I don't... I ache.  My pain is almost unbearable but I put a face on and out the door I go.  I am not sure how I am supposed to be.  Should this pain already be healed?  Should I just accept death and move about my life?  I just don't think I can do that. I am not sure anyone should expect me to do that.  Yet, I feel I have to keep things together so others don't really know that I am falling apart.

Listen... logically I know death is upon us constantly.  I know that my mother was sick and now she doesn't have to suffer anymore.  I know that she had a life long illness and that we were lucky to have the time we did with her.  That we really were just living on borrowed time.  But who's time were we borrowing anyway?
Gods time?
Pffttt. 
I know all these things logically... other then the God thing but we won't get into all that.  Logic doesn't heal a broken heart.  And I know that people mean well but saying "I understand" unless you have gone through it is bullshit.  My close friends... those who I hold near my soul... who haven't gone through it don't say "I understand".  All they have to say is " I love you and I don't fully understand but I am here for you".  If I hear one more person who hasn't lost their best friend and their mother tell me they understand I may go postal.  Truth is... you don't.  And even though you are trying to be helpful, you are just pissing me off.

What I won't give to feel her arms around me.  For her to rock me like a boat on the sea.  Rock me like I am two years old again.  I feel like a child that has lost their mother.

I was glad to have breakfast with my breakfast club this morning.  That gave my mind a break. Although it was only a 2 hour break, I needed it.  They always make me feel better. 

I know that I will get through this.  I know that somewhere, sometime and at some point my heart and soul will make logic of this all.  Death is a process they say.  They also say that there is five stages of grief...
The textbook follows as this...

1 .Denial and isolation- I don't belive that I am in denial at all.  What is there to deny?  She is gone.. simple as that.  Isolation... yeah... totally get that...in it full force.
2. Anger- Hmm... I don't think I am angry... although I guess if pissed off is angry then yeah.. I fit into that one too.
3. Bargining-  Nope not me.  God and I have nothing to talk about let alone bargin back and forth.
4. Depression/numbness- Oh yes... raising hand.  
5. Acceptance-  Don't see that happening at all.  Although others say it does get a bit better.  That it feels like a new normal.  Maybe 25 years from now.  I don't see that happening in the future.

So to sum up this entire post...
I think that there should be a 6th step to the grieving process...
6.  Drinking... a lot.  To both numb yourself and do it because you can!

Peace out