"I am still alive but I am barely breathin'"
"I am praying to a god I don't believe in"
" They say that things happen for a reason"
"But those 5 words don't stop the bleedin'"
Those are just two lyrics that hit me straight to the gut. I just had to post it.
I haven't posted in quite a while. Not because I haven't wanted to but because I had nothing to say.
I could come here, post and tell you all that yes... time heals all wounds. Truth is.. I don't feel anymore
healed today then I did a month ago. In fact because life keeps moving on I find the pain just gets more real and the wound gets wider and deeper.
Yesterday E picked up the phone and dailed...5,6,7. I asked him what he was doing...
"Calling grandma in heaven because she always makes me feel better when I am sick."
Straight to the heart.
I explained that we can always talk to grandma and she will listen. That she whispers so soft that we can't really hear it because the distance is so far but she can and will ALWAYS listen to us. I talk to her more then anyone can ever imagine. Daily and nightly.
I walk out the door... put a smile on and fool the world around me.
But I am not fooling myself.
The pain is unbearable.... Enough said.
Big girls don't cry....
Monday, January 17, 2011
Or do they?
This one does... for sure and has over and over again all day long.
Today was not a good day.
I wanted to sit here and write... cause I felt the need...
Now my energy is gone...
Maybe next time.
This one does... for sure and has over and over again all day long.
Today was not a good day.
I wanted to sit here and write... cause I felt the need...
Now my energy is gone...
Maybe next time.
Embrace the silence
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
So, before I get into serious things let me first post a few reminders to myself.
1. Do not let your 4 year old talk you into having a snack while he watches Nick Jr. in your bed no matter how cute or how big his brown eyes are. Also, do not let said snack be anything crumbly or flakey. Example--Cheese Crackers.
2. Do not let your 10 year old talk you into putting on fake nails because they are cool. Your whole idea of "let her have her own self expression" has rules to it. She will do nothing but bitch until you rip them off her.
3. The best thing to do with a sick husband is sweetly say "You should really just go lay down and sleep". Opt for that choice instead of "You are worse then the kids when they are sick". Word of advice to self... this will not go well.
4. Embrace the silence, you don't get it often.
Now onto bigger fish.....
Sunday night the kids talked me into having a pj party on the couch. We have an overstuffed sectional so all three of us fit on it and sleep well. I went ahead and gave in. As we were laying there E... who is having trouble with the whole "death" deal was in tears yet again and not sleeping. Bean wedges in between us and says .....
"Grandma promised me that she would be better by Christmas and you know what Mom? She is... even though she is in heaven she did keep her promise... she is better and not hurting anymore."
All I could say is..."Yep babygirl... you are correct. Grandma has never broken a promise." We could learn a lot from kids. If we were still able to, as adults look at the world that they do perhaps things would be easier.
E on the other hand is really having a hard time. We are up every night and fighting through moments of true, huge crocodile tears. Death scares him. He cries when Bean gets on the bus because she may not come back. He cries when I put him to bed because he may not wake up... the list goes on and on. All I can do is explain to him about death and heaven and God (even though I have my own thoughts on that). Try to explain the difference between a cold and true illness. He gets it and things are slowly getting better but things are far from good.
Some days I just find it hard to put my feet on the floor and move forward. Even though I know that my mom would not want me to lay in bed and wallow it still makes it very hard to move on with my life and the rest of my story. I feel as if a huge piece of me is missing and I am searching now for who I am. (More on this journey and why later).
So all I can do is buckle down and buck up buttercup. Life moves on and grief will always be there. I suppose it is how we handle it that matters....and I am not handling it well.
1. Do not let your 4 year old talk you into having a snack while he watches Nick Jr. in your bed no matter how cute or how big his brown eyes are. Also, do not let said snack be anything crumbly or flakey. Example--Cheese Crackers.
2. Do not let your 10 year old talk you into putting on fake nails because they are cool. Your whole idea of "let her have her own self expression" has rules to it. She will do nothing but bitch until you rip them off her.
3. The best thing to do with a sick husband is sweetly say "You should really just go lay down and sleep". Opt for that choice instead of "You are worse then the kids when they are sick". Word of advice to self... this will not go well.
4. Embrace the silence, you don't get it often.
Now onto bigger fish.....
Sunday night the kids talked me into having a pj party on the couch. We have an overstuffed sectional so all three of us fit on it and sleep well. I went ahead and gave in. As we were laying there E... who is having trouble with the whole "death" deal was in tears yet again and not sleeping. Bean wedges in between us and says .....
"Grandma promised me that she would be better by Christmas and you know what Mom? She is... even though she is in heaven she did keep her promise... she is better and not hurting anymore."
All I could say is..."Yep babygirl... you are correct. Grandma has never broken a promise." We could learn a lot from kids. If we were still able to, as adults look at the world that they do perhaps things would be easier.
E on the other hand is really having a hard time. We are up every night and fighting through moments of true, huge crocodile tears. Death scares him. He cries when Bean gets on the bus because she may not come back. He cries when I put him to bed because he may not wake up... the list goes on and on. All I can do is explain to him about death and heaven and God (even though I have my own thoughts on that). Try to explain the difference between a cold and true illness. He gets it and things are slowly getting better but things are far from good.
Some days I just find it hard to put my feet on the floor and move forward. Even though I know that my mom would not want me to lay in bed and wallow it still makes it very hard to move on with my life and the rest of my story. I feel as if a huge piece of me is missing and I am searching now for who I am. (More on this journey and why later).
So all I can do is buckle down and buck up buttercup. Life moves on and grief will always be there. I suppose it is how we handle it that matters....and I am not handling it well.
Say
Monday, January 10, 2011
Enough said...
Lyrics below
Lyrics below
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say [x8]
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say [x8]
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say [x8]
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say [x8]
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say [x24]
Card, card, everywhere there's cards
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Worked and did the thank you cards today. Holy crap that took awhile. Glad that they are finished though. One less thing to mark down on the to do list. I am amazed at how many people sent flowers, food and made donations. Lots of thank you cards to make out but they are finished and I am glad.
I am planning a Lupus research benefit in my moms name in a few months so watch for updates and if anyone wants to donate let mw know. Found this picture on a lupus bloggers website and asked permission to use it... I thought it was so pretty. I may use it for the fliers and such.
Going tonight to S's house to have dinner and just bullshit. Will be lots o' fun!
Ciao
I am planning a Lupus research benefit in my moms name in a few months so watch for updates and if anyone wants to donate let mw know. Found this picture on a lupus bloggers website and asked permission to use it... I thought it was so pretty. I may use it for the fliers and such.
Going tonight to S's house to have dinner and just bullshit. Will be lots o' fun!
Ciao
1,440
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
1,440 minutes in one day. I am trying to fill each one of them.
Why?
Because if I don't... I ache. My pain is almost unbearable but I put a face on and out the door I go. I am not sure how I am supposed to be. Should this pain already be healed? Should I just accept death and move about my life? I just don't think I can do that. I am not sure anyone should expect me to do that. Yet, I feel I have to keep things together so others don't really know that I am falling apart.
Listen... logically I know death is upon us constantly. I know that my mother was sick and now she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I know that she had a life long illness and that we were lucky to have the time we did with her. That we really were just living on borrowed time. But who's time were we borrowing anyway?
Gods time?
Pffttt.
I know all these things logically... other then the God thing but we won't get into all that. Logic doesn't heal a broken heart. And I know that people mean well but saying "I understand" unless you have gone through it is bullshit. My close friends... those who I hold near my soul... who haven't gone through it don't say "I understand". All they have to say is " I love you and I don't fully understand but I am here for you". If I hear one more person who hasn't lost their best friend and their mother tell me they understand I may go postal. Truth is... you don't. And even though you are trying to be helpful, you are just pissing me off.
What I won't give to feel her arms around me. For her to rock me like a boat on the sea. Rock me like I am two years old again. I feel like a child that has lost their mother.
I was glad to have breakfast with my breakfast club this morning. That gave my mind a break. Although it was only a 2 hour break, I needed it. They always make me feel better.
I know that I will get through this. I know that somewhere, sometime and at some point my heart and soul will make logic of this all. Death is a process they say. They also say that there is five stages of grief...
The textbook follows as this...
1 .Denial and isolation- I don't belive that I am in denial at all. What is there to deny? She is gone.. simple as that. Isolation... yeah... totally get that...in it full force.
2. Anger- Hmm... I don't think I am angry... although I guess if pissed off is angry then yeah.. I fit into that one too.
3. Bargining- Nope not me. God and I have nothing to talk about let alone bargin back and forth.
4. Depression/numbness- Oh yes... raising hand.
5. Acceptance- Don't see that happening at all. Although others say it does get a bit better. That it feels like a new normal. Maybe 25 years from now. I don't see that happening in the future.
So to sum up this entire post...
I think that there should be a 6th step to the grieving process...
6. Drinking... a lot. To both numb yourself and do it because you can!
Peace out
Why?
Because if I don't... I ache. My pain is almost unbearable but I put a face on and out the door I go. I am not sure how I am supposed to be. Should this pain already be healed? Should I just accept death and move about my life? I just don't think I can do that. I am not sure anyone should expect me to do that. Yet, I feel I have to keep things together so others don't really know that I am falling apart.
Listen... logically I know death is upon us constantly. I know that my mother was sick and now she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I know that she had a life long illness and that we were lucky to have the time we did with her. That we really were just living on borrowed time. But who's time were we borrowing anyway?
Gods time?
Pffttt.
I know all these things logically... other then the God thing but we won't get into all that. Logic doesn't heal a broken heart. And I know that people mean well but saying "I understand" unless you have gone through it is bullshit. My close friends... those who I hold near my soul... who haven't gone through it don't say "I understand". All they have to say is " I love you and I don't fully understand but I am here for you". If I hear one more person who hasn't lost their best friend and their mother tell me they understand I may go postal. Truth is... you don't. And even though you are trying to be helpful, you are just pissing me off.
What I won't give to feel her arms around me. For her to rock me like a boat on the sea. Rock me like I am two years old again. I feel like a child that has lost their mother.
I was glad to have breakfast with my breakfast club this morning. That gave my mind a break. Although it was only a 2 hour break, I needed it. They always make me feel better.
I know that I will get through this. I know that somewhere, sometime and at some point my heart and soul will make logic of this all. Death is a process they say. They also say that there is five stages of grief...
The textbook follows as this...
1 .Denial and isolation- I don't belive that I am in denial at all. What is there to deny? She is gone.. simple as that. Isolation... yeah... totally get that...in it full force.
2. Anger- Hmm... I don't think I am angry... although I guess if pissed off is angry then yeah.. I fit into that one too.
3. Bargining- Nope not me. God and I have nothing to talk about let alone bargin back and forth.
4. Depression/numbness- Oh yes... raising hand.
5. Acceptance- Don't see that happening at all. Although others say it does get a bit better. That it feels like a new normal. Maybe 25 years from now. I don't see that happening in the future.
So to sum up this entire post...
I think that there should be a 6th step to the grieving process...
6. Drinking... a lot. To both numb yourself and do it because you can!
Peace out
ZZZZ
Monday, January 3, 2011
All I want to do is sleep. I know that it has to do with just a tad of depression, not sleeping the way I should in the first place and the stress that comes with life and loss......
In tears... will write later.
In tears... will write later.
2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
I was lucky enough to spend New Years with wonderful friends. Drank a bit to much, ate a bit to much but had a good time. Boy, did I need it.
Now onto 2011.... I guess my resolution is to figure my life out and what the hell I am going to do with it.
Now onto 2011.... I guess my resolution is to figure my life out and what the hell I am going to do with it.
She says she is ok, but her eyes tell a different story.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"If you have a particular faith or religion that is great but you can survive without it "
Dalai Lama
Things are weird. Everything feels off balance and haunt my mind.
I will never hear my moms voice again.
I will never hold her or have her hold me.
I will never...
Call her when a great movie is on.
Sing to her when she is sad.
Write another poem that she will read.
Go shopping with her.
Celebrate Christmas with her.
Tell her I love her.
Hear that she is proud of me or disappointed in me.
Be able to go to hear for advice
Hear her motherly wisdom
See her kiss my dad goodnight(always twice...not sure what that is about!)
Feel her kiss me goodnight
Never see her laugh again
Never enjoy watching her with my babies
I could go on and on. I have been avoiding certain things because they are just too hard. Like scrapbooking (Which I do every winter) or listening to the radio....things that are normal for me I just can not do. Will they ever be normal again? I know that each person has a different relationship with their parents. Mine were everything to me. So losing the core of the three muskateers has been beyond a nightmare. She had been sick such a long time that you would think I would have been ready. Perhaps some parts of me where but my soul... my heart... could not have been more unprepared. Imagine hearing someones voice every single day for 33 years and then suddenly.... silence. The silence is deafening. I hate it more then I can even say.
There is a huge lesson that I have learned through all of this. If you have "core" friends... not those friends who are only there when they need you, only call when they have something to share... aren't the friends to have. Truth be told if you get a few "core" friends you are very lucky. They are the ones that see you with the ugly cry, in a swimsuit, sweating your ass off. They see you drunk, sick, happy and elated. They are faced with a terrible moment... like a loved one dying and instead of sending a card... they surround you with love and support. They love you when you are even at your most vulnerable. They see through your bullshit to know that you aren't ok. They are there when your kids are crazy, there is no money in your pocket and your husband is being a dick. I love that "core" group.. you know who you are and you mean the entire universe to me.
Dalai Lama
Things are weird. Everything feels off balance and haunt my mind.
I will never hear my moms voice again.
I will never hold her or have her hold me.
I will never...
Call her when a great movie is on.
Sing to her when she is sad.
Write another poem that she will read.
Go shopping with her.
Celebrate Christmas with her.
Tell her I love her.
Hear that she is proud of me or disappointed in me.
Be able to go to hear for advice
Hear her motherly wisdom
See her kiss my dad goodnight(always twice...not sure what that is about!)
Feel her kiss me goodnight
Never see her laugh again
Never enjoy watching her with my babies
I could go on and on. I have been avoiding certain things because they are just too hard. Like scrapbooking (Which I do every winter) or listening to the radio....things that are normal for me I just can not do. Will they ever be normal again? I know that each person has a different relationship with their parents. Mine were everything to me. So losing the core of the three muskateers has been beyond a nightmare. She had been sick such a long time that you would think I would have been ready. Perhaps some parts of me where but my soul... my heart... could not have been more unprepared. Imagine hearing someones voice every single day for 33 years and then suddenly.... silence. The silence is deafening. I hate it more then I can even say.
There is a huge lesson that I have learned through all of this. If you have "core" friends... not those friends who are only there when they need you, only call when they have something to share... aren't the friends to have. Truth be told if you get a few "core" friends you are very lucky. They are the ones that see you with the ugly cry, in a swimsuit, sweating your ass off. They see you drunk, sick, happy and elated. They are faced with a terrible moment... like a loved one dying and instead of sending a card... they surround you with love and support. They love you when you are even at your most vulnerable. They see through your bullshit to know that you aren't ok. They are there when your kids are crazy, there is no money in your pocket and your husband is being a dick. I love that "core" group.. you know who you are and you mean the entire universe to me.
Yawn
Quote of the day: “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.”
I think I am getting sick. How could I not be after 6 weeks of pure hell and rollercoasters. Not sleeping is not helping either but I just keep pushing through. Little projects that I have been putting off are getting done. Anything to keep my mind occupied. I am busy but am still trying to find things to do. It is my first day home...not leaving in at least a month and a half. I was looking forward to today...relaxing, getting a few things done. Yet, the day is here and I am dying in the stillness. Usually at times like this I rearrange furniture and crap but Petey made me buy a sectional that is huge so I can't move it by myself. Guess it will have to stay were it is. So instead I think I will spend the day purging things that I don't need. Thank you Chris for that! You have taught me well.
So I suppose I should have some tea and take some cold medicine. Perhaps something to help me stop going to the bathroom too. Hey, it is my blog... I can write about poop if I wanna!
I think I am getting sick. How could I not be after 6 weeks of pure hell and rollercoasters. Not sleeping is not helping either but I just keep pushing through. Little projects that I have been putting off are getting done. Anything to keep my mind occupied. I am busy but am still trying to find things to do. It is my first day home...not leaving in at least a month and a half. I was looking forward to today...relaxing, getting a few things done. Yet, the day is here and I am dying in the stillness. Usually at times like this I rearrange furniture and crap but Petey made me buy a sectional that is huge so I can't move it by myself. Guess it will have to stay were it is. So instead I think I will spend the day purging things that I don't need. Thank you Chris for that! You have taught me well.
So I suppose I should have some tea and take some cold medicine. Perhaps something to help me stop going to the bathroom too. Hey, it is my blog... I can write about poop if I wanna!
